Sun, 30th November, 9:37pm
I’m recovering some lost media.
I’m happy to be able to take care of things.
I called this picture selective memory.
Mid-November
I got GERD, I went to doctor and got medicines, fighting through.
I found my wild mood swings are caused by stomach acid.
End-October
Went to Yaga Bar. Felt a bit uneasy. Perhaps it was me.
Everyone was with friends and I felt self-conscious.
Mid-October
Started developing interest in art further ever since visiting Tali.
I like visiting tattoo studio. I want to create more. I’m collecting.
End-September
Broke up. It was difficult. We have really bonded with dzidzia.
Singapore
Great party, but the journey was tense.
Malaysia
I was so happy to come back to dzidzia.
He’s now able to go outside.
Philippines
The world is still here. I was just away.
Reconnected. Parties were great.
I should be gentler to anxious Sonia.
Remember I have people to reach out to.
Poland
Somehow Poland felt different than in May.
Everything was okay, but I didn’t feel as organised as in May.
I perhaps slipped up because work was very busy.
I learned to shoot with L. I want to defend.
Malaysia
Found a kitty. I was visiting him daily.
Eventually adopted. His name is dzidzia.
Vietnam
Been on ADHD but life was still difficult.
Crashed out when I crashed the bike.
I’m going to work on anger.
Poland
Felt healed and born again.
Style changes stuck, I got new routines, I felt happy.
Korea
I don’t need to wrestle with God. I’m not Kanye. I’m happy to be safe with friends and family. I will always fail if I try to shoulder the world. The past is past. I’m an adult woman. I’m supported and I’m learning. Family will understand me more once I understand myself.
April
I just remembered she cut her bangs for me back then
Sat, 5th April, 10:24pm
I had dysgraphia in childhood as I would write my own letters that no one could read but me. My school forced me to use bold letters as in ABCD, eventually I started copying lowercase letters from my keyboard except for a which was difficult to write and some like m which I always write uppercase as straight lines are easier for me
Mon, 31st Mar, 3:05am
I’m suspecting quetiapine might be causing me nightmares and leaving some residual feelings behind if I don’t remember the dreams
There was one time that I thought it was important for me to remember how I felt and carry it into the day, and the few times I woke up in terror it was very very very scary things
Fri, 14th Mar, 10:00pm
I had two mini breakdowns today because I couldn’t rap
sI don’t take failure and I have illusions of grandeur
I rapped for five hours and I puked saliva
I drank 5 litres of water and ate nothing
I turned the house upside down looking for a mic cable
But it doesn’t matter as long as I think
I tried rapping covering my eyes
But I can’t remember the lyrics
And I can’t stop thinking
Wed, 12th Mar, 3:25am
I’m so happy to spend night talking to Domi
Thu, 5th Mar, 3:34pm
I just drank a sip of matcha as I was getting up and immediately felt very disoriented. I lost vision for a moment and had trouble putting down the glass. I tried putting it down on an edge.
Wed, 5th Mar, 1:24pm
I had second emergency visit
Turns out that I was losing my mind
Tue, 18th Feb, 8:55pm
I realized that the fight is to be present
To feel the texture of friends hair
To feel the touch of girlfriend
Tue, 18th Feb, 7:36pm
I realized that in the near future the act of thinking, as in being able to reason, will gain a similar status to writing. Nobody will ever realize it gone, because we are still writing, just that we are not using a pen, but a keyboard.
Tue, 18th Feb, after midnight
I’ve become a Sabrina Carpenter fan
Mon, 17 Feb, 1:00pm
I decided to stop thinking about whether humanity is good or not, but wether I am happy where I am, with what I’m doing, and who I am
Monday early am (past midnight on Sunday)
I just saw this article, very hard hitting
Sunday night
I’m proud of myself for being able to handle tense situations over the day. I was able to communicate honestly, with empathy, and not give in to negative feelings. A lot of work ahead.
Sun, 16 Feb 12:45pm
Valentine’s day was amazing. F remixed sounds of Warsaw metro system into a DnB set on Saturday. P and Z came over and we had a great night.
Tue, 11 Feb 9:19pm
Just stopped myself when I was overthinking like “am I productive enough” or that “it’s 6pm”, and I immediately just felt happy about having just improved kitchen. Need this more often.
Tue, 11 Feb 12:09pm
Learn to rethink and look for more options before making a choice
Sun, 9 Feb 9:18pm
Hanging out at M’s house with F. Woke up full of energy at P’s an texted her wyd. The weekend was nice, we did things without pressure. Played pickleball for her birthday, went to IKEA with P and Z, and I got a new tattoo. X helped with the tattoo.
Tue, 6 Feb 7:28pm
I’m a genius
Tue, 6 Feb 1:32am
I should work on letting more people into my world
Tue, 5 Feb 7:12pm
I just realized that getting my thoughts out is a key to just existing.
Maybe I spend more time drawing I would have less thoughts inside of me as I would produce less and get more of them out.
Tue, 4 Feb 7:16pm
I fell asleep during lash appointment and felt very relaxed. It helped not having to worry about work since I managed to focus on it in the morning and got a lot done. I should stop being avoidant about things. P.S. I bought lash tec strawberry milk and it made me happy!
Mon, 3 Feb 11:14pm
I just doodled, I like this activity, good for spirit
Mon, 3 Feb 9:52pm
I enjoyed myself today knowing life is about existing
I can still take care of myself if I do things I want
I love rapping
Mon, 3 Feb 7:32pm
Toshiba Soejima came on autoplay, feeling calm, kind of creative, not like a robot, and very awake
Mon, 3 Feb 12:42pm
Lifelike, this is what your life like, try live life your life right [..] This is like a movie, but it’s really lifelike. Every single night, right, every single fight, right?
Don’t know what real is.
I feel like a large language model.
Mon, 3 Feb 12:23pm
I dreamt up a simple inventive solution to the problem at work while in Poland. I did not note it down. Recalled now and solved my issue.
KEEP WRITING SHIT DOWN
Don’t let memory fail us now
Mon, 3 Feb 3:05am
I realized in the shower that I only exist alone, and that existing with the world that surrounds me is always shutting myself down a going on autopilot. Too much in tune or dissociated.
Sometimes I wake up and feel that I skipped a few months life. But sometimes I enjoy the game when it’s artificial, like embassy, banks, government offices. I feel myself around few people I like
Mon, 3 Feb 2:47am
This is the mindset I want to get into
Mon, 3 Feb 12:37am
I’ve been taking more notes recently. I think it helps me reconcile what’s inside me with what surrounds me. It might be a good opportunity to create a space for myself to get my thoughts out. Seeing Kanye alone in the crowd in Closed on Sunday touched me more than it should. I feel like a round peg in a square hole and I should do something about it while I remember.
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